I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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