You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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