I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
