Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
