He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sorry about my life...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
