you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
