Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
