I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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