Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
