the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
