Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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