I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize