How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
50% drunk capacity currently
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
