I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
