I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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