morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
