i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
