i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
