someone threw a dead crab at me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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