So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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