Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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