My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
