I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
