stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
