She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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