Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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