i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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