if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
