It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
