It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
