Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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