I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
