One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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