Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
