Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
