I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
