I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
