I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
