That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
