so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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