i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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