rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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