there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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