Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
