Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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