if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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