come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
