she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
