Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
