Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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