You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
