I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
