neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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