She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
