you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
