If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
