im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
