I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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