hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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